A letter from the Cuprohastes-in-Chief

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Up and down

  1. Went to Sheffield, met Tundrawolf, had fun
  2. Sheffield is a pit.
    Highlights illuminating that statement include…
    1. A department store toilet with blue lighting to stop junkies shooting up, where a small child with glowing orange gloves stood in the middle of the room and watched everyone peeing while.
    2. A junkie flinging needles at a store clerk who stole his beer.
    3. Both my trains home pulling out of the station as I reached the platform, making me take a longer train home and resulting in having to pay £10 for a taxi instead of £1.80 for a bus.
  3. On the up-side I got some nifty new ink and a nib holder and some nibs for calligraphy.
  4. I ate my own bodyweight in salt n’ pepper chicken.
  5. When I got home my central heating had died. Sheffield is so bad it breaks your heating.

Stay away from Sheffield. It makes your house cold and your pets hate you.


Welcome to the Jedi Order!

Ok ‘youngling’, I know you’re just a kid and you’re a bit upset because we took your mommy away and stuff. But look on the bright side, you’re going to be a Jedi!

Let me tell you about Jedi.

The Jedi are an ascetic order. You're expected to give up everything - possessions, love, money - and contemplate the mysteries of the force.

You'll only be allowed - a personal droid, a flying car, a suite in the giant, polished marble palace on the Capitol, a spaceship, a handful of corusca gems and precious metals for tarting up your lightsabre, food, clothing, access to the fleet of Jedi Starships and their crew, free intergalactic cellphone, some spare cash, a bunch of Jedi gadgets and a giant library full of data.

I know, it’s not much, but you get used to it.

Also, since we've acquired an army of genetically engineered clone soldiers as a sort of cross between cannon fodder, slaves and meat shields, feel free to go have them suicide rush some robots. I know you have absolutely no military experience, training or understanding so we're only making you a General.

Also it's kind of bad manners to show up and tell the Galactic senate what to do, but we'll overlook it if you don't do it too often. Master Yoda doesn’t like having to clear out his voicemail when the Senators start leaving him whiny messages.

Now don't forget, if you're out on a mission and you have a suspect there's rules. We have a very strict code about how we deal with people - You're only allowed to start cutting their arms and legs off if they don’t look like they respect you enough.

Using your powers to alter their thoughts and force them to do stuff is completely above board and there's no moral questionableness there at all.

Don't forget, you're a Jedi, it's OK to randomly kill people and then walk away without leaving a note for the police. It’s not your job to deal with that stuff.

Finally we're here to keep the peace, not take sides. So feel free to only involve yourself with rich planets with good hotels and completely ignore places like Tatooine where there's a huge slave trade. You're only allowed to meddle in other people's affairs and cultures when it suits us. I mean come on, a little perk here, huh?



The iPad, the little Jesus machine from Apple that everyone adores, and which will be superseded by the next generation, thinner, with a camera, in just a few months.

Is the iPad great? No, it’s not. However, it sucks the least.

The iPad has terrible multitasking, some bizarre choices in the OS – for instance the seldom used ‘mute’ switch becomes hardware while the more often used ‘lock orientation’ function is moved to software. There’s no action for holding down the home button but puling a list of open programs up requires double clicking it. There’s no voice recognition – but there is for the iPhone… and so on.

Linux users point out that it’s a locked down, DRM encumbered system with significant bloat and a dearth of features compared with a real OS.

My reply has been: “You’ve had the time to make a Linux tablet, but you didn’t. You don’t get to compare a functional, working product to vapourware.”

Microsoft has put out tablets. Many many tablets, all of which took the essential idea of a tablet – a computer you could pick up and walk around with an adjust for input and reading, and handed it off to companies who merely added touch screens and a stylus holder to existing laptops.

And once the great Tablet race geared up – we got more of the same. Thick, undersized or oversized machiens with low input resolution screens that required stylus input, running Vista or WIndows 7. Then lighter machines running a mobile phone OS -  Android. Surely a step up, but Android still isn’t all that great to use, even compared with the rapidly aging and tarnished iOS, which makes each device slower an slower with every sporadic and feature poor update.

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